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House M.D.
Pilot (1.01) Cuddy: Your reputation won't last if you don't do your job; the clinic is part of your job. I want you to do your job. House: Ah, yes, but as the philosopher Jagger once said, 'You can't always get what you want.' ---- House: I'm angry! You're risking the patient's life! Cuddy: I assume those are two separate points. ---- :House: I don’t think it’s a tumor. :Foreman: First year of medical school if you hear hoof beats you think "horses" not "zebras". :House: Are you in first year of medical school? ---- :House: You see that? They all assume I'm a patient because of this cane. :Wilson: Then why don't you put on a white coat like the rest of us? :House: I don't want them to think I'm a doctor. ---- :House: People don't want a sick doctor. :Wilson: That's fair, I don't want healthy patients either. ---- :House: Truth begins in lies. Think about it. :Foreman (House leaves):That doesn't mean anything, does it? ---- :House: Your wife is having an affair. :Orange-Colored Patient: What?! :House: You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention. Oh, by the way, do you consume just ridiculous amounts of carrots and mega-dose vitamins? The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get a set of fingerpaints and do the math... and get a good lawyer.---- :Cuddy: You don't prescribe medicine based on guesses. At least we don't since Tuskeegee and Mengele. :House: You're comparing me to a Nazi? admiringly Nice ... ---- :Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours. :Cameron: What's up? :Foreman: When you break into someone's house, it's always better to have a white chick with you. ---- :House: Everybody lies. :Cameron: Dr. House doesn't like dealing with patients. :Foreman: Isn't treating patients why we became doctors? :House: No, treating illnesses is why we became doctors. Treating patients is what makes most doctors miserable. ---- :Rebecca Adler: I just want to die with a little dignity. :House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly - always! We can live with dignity - we can't die with it. ---- :House: Patients always want proof. We're not making cars here, we don't give guarantees. ---- :Cameron: Why did you hire me? :House: Does it matter? :Cameron: Kind of hard to work for a guy who doesn't respect you. :House: Why? :Cameron: Is that rhetorical? :House: No, it just seems that way because you can't think of an answer. Does it make a difference what I think? I'm a jerk. The only thing that matters is what you think. Can you do the job? :Cameron: You hired a black guy because he had a juvenile record. :House: No, it wasn't a racial thing, I didn't see a black guy. I just saw a doctor... with a juvenile record. I hired Chase 'cause his dad made a phone call. I hired you because you are extremely pretty. :Cameron: You hired me to get into my pants?! :House: I can't believe that that would shock you. It's also not what I said. No, I hired you because you look good; it's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby. :Cameron: I was in the top of my class. :House: But not the top. :Cameron: I did an internship at the Mayo Clinic. :House: Yes, you were a very good applicant. :Cameron: But not the best? :House: Would that upset you, really? To think that you were hired because of some genetic gift of beauty, not some genetic gift of intelligence? :Cameron: I worked very hard to get where I am. :House: But you didn't have to. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That's the law of nature, and you defied it. That's why I hired you. You could have married rich, could have been a model, you could have just shown up and people would have given you stuff. Lots of stuff, but you didn't; you worked your stunning little ass off. ---- :House: It's five o'clock. I'm going home. :Cuddy: To what? :House: sarcastically Nice. ---- :Cuddy: Oh, I looked up that philosopher you quoted, Jagger, and you're right. You can't always get what you want. But as it turns out, if you try sometimes, you get what you need. ---- :Foreman: It's a lesion. :House: And the big green thing in the middle of the bigger blue thing on a map is an island. I was hoping for something a little bit more creative. ---- :Chase: Mad cow? :House: Mad zebra. ---- :Cuddy: I was expecting you in my office twenty minutes ago. :House: Really? Well, that's odd, because I had no intention of being in your office twenty minutes ago. ---- :Cuddy: Patient is orange. :House: Like the color? ---- :Orange Patient: What's that? What are you doing? :House: Painkillers. :Orange Patient: Oh, yeah. For you, for your leg. :House: No, 'cause they're yummy. ---- :House: Your doctor was probably also concerned about the strength of the medicine, too. She probably weighed that danger against the danger of not breathing. Oxygen is so important during those prepubescent years, don't you think? ---- :Cameron: If House is right, no harm. If he's wrong, I've given a dying woman a couple day's hope. :Chase: False hope. :Cameron: If there was any other type available, I would have given her that. ---- :Young Student: You could smell our parrot. :Foreman: You said you didn't have any pets in this class. :Young Student: A parrot is a bird. Category:TV series Category:TV series Category:TV series Category:Drama Category:Medical Category:Comedy